Can't understand my cat at all

[Bish_Brennan]

About a year ago my mother in law started reporting two of her cats were at odds over the next couple months it became progressively worse until one of them refused to come out from behind the TV for anything and was even soiling back there too. So we took the dominant cat a neutered male (they both are) for a week to give the other a break and try let the dominant cool off.

He was very very timid and just sat behind the curtain we him upstairs in a spare room gave him a rolled up carpet a basket a box with hole in the front and he seemed to like the carpet a lot (it's a decent length) after a couple days he would come out with some coaxing and let you pet him the but wouldn't leave the room towards the end of the week he would come downstairs but only very late at night once my wife was asleep.

He went home and things immediately returned to as they had been and my mother in law came to accept they'll never coexist so I've got a cat now. I really don't know much about them as I've never had one and I'm finding it very confusing and at times stressful.

Overall he's settled in pretty well (I think) when he came back to us he still hid for a day but was out after that still only at night when my wife was asleep for a while

[Lilith]

Hi there and welcome - and join the club. I don't think any of us understand our cats at times lol.

However, I think that, by the sound of it, your guy has made a very good start. He's had a confusing time and, despite his bad behaviour (or rather, not understanding why some kind of instinctive one-upmanship has caused this upheaval in his life) will wonder why he's had to go to a new home; even though he already knows you it will take time for him to adjust. It's normal for a cat to react in this way to a new home or even a house-move; the last time I moved house one of mine hid behind the sofa for days. Your cat seems to be well on the way to settling in.

Good on you for taking him in; you'll both get used to each other and the new situation gradually and I think you'll find living with a cat very rewarding. Keep updating

[Bish_Brennan]

I think he's settled in ok but not having had cats before there's a tonne of stuff he does that I can't figure out for instance after a while his carpet had collapsed a bit from going in and out so I opened it out and rolled it back up and he's not went near it since. I'm actually still not sure where he's sleeping I've seen him look in his box but not go in it, he has another I put up on a chair so he can see out the window he lounges on that a lot, he hangs out at the top of the stairs and at a lamp near the door to his room. He comes I'm with us when we're in bed but he always leaves after ten to fifteen mins but if I'm in bed myself he'll lie on the other side for hours.

For a while he would sit at the bottom of the stairs looking up them and mewing not for a long time but he would do it a lot but not so much now but it still happens occasionally.

He pooped the carpet once but I figured that one out the litter was too sandy instead of gravelly.

Sometimes when he's being petted he rolls over and I must admit I was so pleased the first time I thought great he's settling in and trusts me a little, I figured he's wanting his belly rubbed but as soon as I touched it he wrapped round my arm and scratched me I still don't know if I'm betraying his trust or he just wants to play. Wife insists it's play so I put a towel round my arm to take him on and he freaked out and ran.

He seems to enjoy being petted he'll come up and headbutt my hand to get his head scratched but once you do he wriggles about and turns like it's not right but take the hand off and he's right in butting it again.

The thing that's getting me down at the moment though is I think we get on I reaffirm with him everyday when I get home and get the rubs and bump noses and ten mins later I might go to walk across the room an he'll run from me like he's expecting a kick or something I find it quite disheartening.

Little guy freaking loves string this is one thing I can be confident of.

one last thing he's an indoor cat I want him outside though and have been encouraging him to come to the back door after I saw him watching me intently taking the bins out one night he's not scared of the door anymore (he used to run off soon as you opened it) now he comes to see and I've taken him in the garden at his own pace I've just opened the door and let him look around (on a harness) but I'm meeting resistance about it. I get that they're worried but I'm not trying to put him out to fend for himself just want to be able to let him exercise outside and go for walks with me.

I read PETA say all cats should be indoors I no longer regard their recommendations on any subject surely their ultimate aim should be to see all animals free in the wild but no. But there is so much conflicting advice I don't know who would be a trustworthy authority perhaps the past.

[Lilith]

Hi, what you're describing is typical 'scatty cat' behaviour.

The making a fuss and then running from you a moment later is quite usual; you've changed your position and are 'looming' over him - however, I believe a lot of cats just use this sort of thing to play - I don't believe they're scared at all. There may be an element of apprehension as he's new, and of course this will settle down in time, but one of mine STILL runs from me at times, and she IS spooked. She's 13...I just leave her to get on with it; that's how she is.

The fussing and then rolling over 'tickle me tummy' and then grabbing you though, is NOT ON. I have one who does this and I say 'no', quietly - and withdraw all contact, until she comes to fuss again, and if she's gentle I give her lots of praise. Well, I know not to try and stroke that belly now but if she shows aggression at other times, that's what I do. Just now I was stroking her stomach as she was standing up, and her side, and though she was purring she whipped round and bit me. (She's a bit of a madam) so it was 'no' - so she licked me instead and it was 'good girl!

They have to be taught to inhibit any clawing or biting, gently of course. I wouldn't use gloves or a towel to roughneck, because it makes them think they can bite and scratch just anyhow, which is painful...

Sleeping...they sleep where they like and as they settle in they choose their own places. It's great that he's already coming up on the bed with you.

Going out...I feel that depends on the owner, the cat, and where you live. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules on that.

Cat behaviour IS confusing at first, and you're both still new to each other; in time you'll take his behaviour for granted, but honestly I feel you're both doing fine, and you've come to the right place; do keep updating and any questions, this forum is here

[Crewella]

I think the 'tummy tickle' thing is one of the biggest misunderstandings among cat owners. Cats are not dogs, who will roll over as an invitation to rub their belly. A cat will roll over as a mark of trust, and perhaps submission, but you cannot assume this is an invitation and some cats even regard it as a betrayal of their trust to dive in there and start manhandling their tender bits! There are some cats that like a tummy rub, my Daz does, but it is a particular mark of intimacy and none of my others do, and I respect their boundaries. Cats have very good manners, but a lot of their etiquette is about NOT doing things, not making direct eye contact or not invading personal space, and they like to feel in control of situations which is why they tend to love routines and rituals where they know exactly what is going to happen.

On the whole, you sound like you're doing fine. Enjoy getting to know him.

Attitudes to letting cats out vary from country to country - I know the US on the whole like to keep cats indoors, but it's more usual in the UK for cats to go out. I let mine roam all day but lock them in at night, mainly to protect the local wildlife and also because I live near a busy road and I don't want my cats to get used to the road when it's quiet - it's busy and very noisy all day so they tend to avoid it.