Rescued, rehomed... Now I'm a selfish wreck

[LIT]

Hi there. We found out mid-July there was a cat who had been living in our flood drains for two months. Poor baby was so thin and desperate, he finally called to us for help. Long story short, we adopted him.

Introductions to our 3 existing cats were taken slowly, and we adhered to all the regiments we had read about scent swapping, trying to get them to play under the door, brief periods of exposure, a screen door, trading out time in a 4x8ft kennel, playing and treats while introducing, etc. Our oldest cat and youngest cats (both female) were fine. The problem was with our existing male cat. Basically, he would approach the new cat with no aggression (no warning signals), but when they touched noses, our existing cat went into full on attack mode (he had never been that way with other male or female introductions). The new cat was 100% submissive and defended himself, but ran away asap. No matter how much we tried, this was the scenario every time.

We looked at our options and figured the only way he would be safe was to rehome. At the same time we sent an email out asking for a new home for him, we realized we did not do room swapping or feeding across the door. And yet we received notice that an absolutely perfect home for the new cat was willing to take him in. Without a guarantee the feeding and room swapping would work (and knowing he would always have to watch his back), we decided we didn't want to give up a perfect home for him.

I sent him to the new home last Thursday and have been gutted ever since. I'm bawling like a 7 y/o at least 5 times a day, and feeling sick to my stomach the rest of the time. I know in my head it was the right decision for HIS happiness, and he will be a loving blessing for this widow. She is even keeping me updated on his progress via email. She gave an update that he was making progress, and although he still won't show himself to her, he is roaming the house, eating, using the litter boxes, and taken up residence in a box-bed she made.

I should be happy, right? He's literally in a better situation than we could ever have possibly given him. She was excited and is gently working with him. She is keeping me in the loop! But instead of feeling happy at this news, I felt selfishly sad. I cried and cried in his 'room' all day. And now I am ashamed for not feeling happy that he is making progress toward his best life.

Why can I not feel happy and relieved that this boy I fell in love with is finally going to have his dream life? What kind of selfish person am I that a part of me still wishes he could come back home to us. But when I play that out in my head, it's never a good ending for him. Best case would be he lives with a degree of fear for at least 2 years or so.

Please tell me what helped you the most to cope with your grief. I love him so incredibly much and want him to have the very happiest life possible. I know the pain will lessen, but I can't hardly seem to function right now. And I'm so ashamed I feel this way. Thank you for advice.

[fjm]

I don't think you should feel ashamed. You rescued him, loved him, and even so had the strength of mind to let him go to find his absolute best chance of happiness. That is altruism of a high degree. And now you miss him, which is an inevitable part of losing someone we love. In time there will be comfort in seeing him settled and happy, but for now it just rubs salt into the wound.

The only advice I can offer is to consider how hard life would have been for all of you had you kept him. The long, slow introductions might have eased things a little, but it sounds as if your male cat saw him as a major threat, and that he is not one to warn before attacking. Attacks could have continued intermittently for years, with everyone always on the alert for the next serious disagreement. That sort of stress is bad for humans as well as cats, and could soon have made all your lives miserable. You've done the kindest thing for all of them, and if there is a little guilt at not trying every avenue to reconcile them before letting him go to such a perfect new home nestling somewhere at the bottom of your grief then banish it. But do allow yourself to grieve - it is part of the price we pay for loving.

[Kay]

you've done wonderfully by this cat - no cat could ask for a better rescuer

and I would look on the room you had him in as ready for another desperate cat, should one call out to you for help - believe me worse than the loss you feel now is being unable to help a cat in distress

[Mollycat]

This isn't straightforward, is it? I don't see logic reaching those awful feelings you've been left with. I'm sensing this cat means a whole lot more than just his catness to you for some reason.

Something about him living in your drain, as if that makes you responsible for him. Something about maybe feeling guilty that it was your cat who drove him away? Or do you feel you gave up on him too quickly and there was more you could have tried? I just feel as though this situation is hitting on some real raw nerve for you that has nothing to do with this lovely cat but it's triggered some old stuff for you?

There's no shame in how you feel, those are your feelings and they are very real, and nobody can judge them to be in any way shameful, or wrong, not even yourself. But it can be really helpful, when the feelings just seem to be too big to match the situation, that's a flag to something deeper. Is there anything in the distant past that might be buried deep and this cat has brought closer to the surface for you?

[LIT]

Thank you all so much. I think sometimes I know the answers, but it helps to have other people give their perspectives and experience. It either opens up a new way of viewing something, or presents a different side of things I had not thought of myself.

fjm - Thank you for letting me know that feeling sad about him adjusting to his new home is probably just an amplification of my early grief. Thank you for reminding me that his future here would have been frought with fear and our existing male would have been consumed with anger. I admit, instead of getting more 'used' to his presence, our existing male had been getting more obsessive and cantankerous - to the point of him constantly 'guarding' the new guy's room and even rearing back and hard nipping me because I would not open the door for him to attack the new boy. He is the smartest cat I've owned, and has near human-like emotions and memory. It's both amazing and frightening sometimes. He very likely would have figured out that he could freely attack the little boy when we left the house. And you are right, that would have been horrible for everyone involved. And thank you also for reminding me I need to allow myself to grieve. I truly believe the amount of grief I feel is comparable to the amount of love I felt.

Kay - Thank you for the compliment....although I think anyone would have rescued the poor little guy if they had seen him. He was so desperately in need. We think he was dumped in our neighborhood because people where we live seem to think cats carry covid. I see no other explanation because he was just the sweetest little boy. I like to think that his room is ready for another rescue, but I'm not sure I could do another just like this one. I think if another stray appeared, we would definitely rescue it, but if it were a male, I'm not sure I would try to integrate him into our household. I'm not good with loss, and I don't think I could do this on a repeated basis. My husband might kill me (since he has to watch me cry, etc)!

Mollycat - Thank you for reminding me to give myself some grace with respect to judging my feelings. Your questions got me thinking. And there may be some truth in all of them. I'm a bit of a defunct Catholic, however, I have always naturally had an overabundance of Catholic guilt. I tend to 'feel' guilty about nearly everything, even if it's not my fault. I try to remember in my head, though, that it's just a feeling and not necessarily the truth. But you are right that my logic is having difficulty overriding the intensity of my feelings right now. There is a little hint of guilt underneath everything, but I think most of the guilt is asuaged by knowing that giving him up was the very best I could do for him. Not only was there our cat to contend with, but he really needed a calm and quiet household, and ours is not often that. I think partly from him living outside for so long, being submissive, and also being mostly siamese, he was very skittish by nature. His new home is with a very young 80 y/o widow who works from home most of the time, and lost her husband and her last cat 3 years ago. Her home will be quiet, predictable, and he will have his very own human all to himself....all without the complication of a jelous and territorial cat hovering over him. And you struck gold with one thing - my emotions are often a 10 when they should be a 5. I grew up in a double alcoholic household, and ever since I can remember, I have been over-sensitive. So much so, that I would always eat m&m's in twos so the last two were not lonely waiting to be eaten. I am great at empathy, but sometimes tend to go overboard. Alanon has helped me moderate a bit, but I still have a tendency to love incredibly deeply. As my husband says, it's the part about me he loves the most. But he also realizes it's the part about me that makes me feel such intense sadness when I experience loss. I don't have any root cause for this except that I'm probably not wired completely correctly. When I feel things with this intensity (the death of a pet or loved one, the divorce from my first husband), it just consumes my every moment. I would give nearly anything to be able to modulate, though. So you are correct in that it is something in my past - but not anything I have ever been able to identify as a cause. We lost a cat to a coyote 3 years ago (our current male opened the front door and they both escaped - only our current male returned) and I was devastated from April until December. We both had a lot of guilt mixed up in that one (forgetting to make sure the door was locked, etc) mixed up with the grief, and also not having any proof that he was dead. I think maybe I underestimated how quickly and deeply I fall in love with our animals.

So thank you all for your comments. Already, they have given me reminders and ideas to think about. I'm doing a little better today in that I've started to cry a couple of times, but been able to stave it off, as I'm working. But the afternoons are when I would let him out of his room to play in the house....so I'm facing a difficult rest of the day since it's the first 'regular' day without our little boy. We plan to honor him by getting a puzzle made from a photo of him and hanging it in his room with his two favorite toys. I miss him so much.

[LIT]

You guys have been so kind, and I really don't have much more to say that's new. I guess I just need a place to talk before my husband gets too tired of me sounding like a broken record.

I'm feeling better - not ugly crying anymore, but definitely sad and depressed. I don't really feel guilty any longer, as I know that our home would be more of a last resort if he just doesn't adjust or if his new owner finds something she doesn't like about him. His name is Nixie.....and I miss him. I miss his sweet conversations with me. I miss how he used to drool as he rubbed his muzzle on my face. I even miss when he would put his nose under my chin and make so many biscuits, he would turn my neck into a horror show of scabs.

The very last night we had with him, I spent the night in his room for the first time. I have never seen a happier cat. He tried each and every position, and purred without end. I didn't sleep very well because I was sad, and also because I didn't want to roll over on him. He finally ended up on my right side, parallel to my arm. He was sleeping belly up, and each time I would wake up, I'd gently rub his (now slightly chubby) stomach. Each time, he would wake up, purr, and then fall back to sleep. I remember thinking he deserved to feel that loved and happy every night, and I knew he would always have to fight for that here.

When I had to drug him and put him in the large carrier, I felt so guilty. He was so incredibly happy, and I knew this would all scare him. The 3 hr ride to Vegas was horrible - I was sad, I felt guilty, I dreaded every minute to come. When we arrived, I had to transfer him into this tiny little soft sided carrier (as he was to ride in the cabin with my cousin). He didn't want to go, and I was bawling at this point. I literally had to scruff him by the neck and force him down. I will never forget the look in his eyes as I did that. Of course, I interpreted it as betrayal. When I tried to say my final goodbyes, he wouldn't even look at me. He had turned himself sideways to look at the wall of the carrier and just stared.

I try to tell myself he won't remember that last interaction with me because he was drugged. I try to convince myself that if he saw me again, he would still trust me. Then I wonder why I even think he would ever see me again. Even still, I wonder, how could I possibly get this attached to a pet after only 3 months. But I am softhearted like that. I get sad when chipmunks or ground squirrels die. I even get sad when I realize that our garden spider has been taken by a predator. I guess it's just who I am....and even though I wish and try to change, I suppose it's just part of my makeup.

It's been a whole two days since I've heard anything from his new owner. I'm somewhat certain that she would write if he let her see him or he came out to introduce himself to her. She is being very patient. When he was still hiding under the couch, I offered that if he had not made progress in 2-3 weeks, I would be willing to fly there (across the country) to try to make introductions. I don't think it will be necessary, but now I wonder if that was even a good idea - if I see him, will I start this process all over again?

I'm trying to focus on work, loving our other nutty cats (even though they aren't cuddlers) and just get through the day. I did clean out his room and threw away most of his toys except the two he loved the most. I hid them in the back of a drawer for now. It helps to have his room 'different' now. The other cats are slowly getting back to normal, and life is almost like it was before we found Nixie. Except for me and my memories.

Anyhow, thanks for listening to me babble and pour my emotions out on this board. I guess I just wish for peace so that I can simply feel happy that he's in a better place, and getting all the love, attention, and peace that his sweet little heart deserves.

L

[jjuliajul11]

I don't think you should feel ashamed.